I lost my way.

I am pretty used to boards being filled with subjects regarding tilt, desperate pleads for help on how to get out of it and questions on how not to fall in it. And up to.. Quite recently, I for one never have believed into this "thing" called tilt. I rather just imagined it as some period of bad luck, and not some psychological phenomenon that made you magically play worse. And well, how wrong I was. I guess I had to walk through that hell myself, to actually finally understand it. So, how does it start? Tilt can be caused by many things, and in my recent experience, it was something that happened to me irl, that completely threw me off track. My biggest mistake I ever made, was playing ranked, while that issue was still very, very fresh. And yes, I know that is very bad. And I regret it. But back then, I was not thinking rationally, I was not thinking about tilt, only thing I thought about, was to play something to keep my mind off of things. As league is a very demanding game, in every aspect, I deemed it perfect to "distract" me. Now, game wise, my games seemed to go downhill from the very moment they began. They seemed like the type of games, that just could not be won, no matter how consistently well I played, haven't fed, tried to roam, warded, whatever I did, every lane would eventually lose pressure, no objectives would be taken, and we would lose with 20k gold deficit. But. Not every game was like this. This is how I saw my games, while on tilt. Truth be told, I stopped looking at my teammates as some random people I never met before. I started seeing them as "those same ~~idio~~.. people who keep making inexplicable mistakes". Mistakes for me no longer represented mistakes, they represented the begining of the end of that current game. I started becoming someone I could not recognize anymore. I made sarcastic comments, was passive agressive, honestly one thing I did not luckily do, was openly flame anyone, as I can never bring myself to do that. But I still feel guilty about being a jackass in some other ways. So the tilt began. And it was hell. I was angry at everyone and everything around me. Very angry. And there seemed to be no end in sight. The irl issue became worse, I tried to distract myself more, I kept sinking deeper, playing worse and worse, being irritated by toxic teammates more than usual, having huge loss streaks, becoming more and more agressive, not only to my teammates anymore, but my friends as well. They tried to help, to make me stop, but none of it worked. After maybe my 7th ranked loss in a row at some point, I was so frustrated with it all I was on the edge to just.. It's just one of those feelings, I like to compare it to the "between punching a wall and bursting out into tears" kind of feelings. It all just became too much to handle emotionally at some point. So you might be wondering, "hey it's just a game, don't take it so seriously jeez". But the point is, I did not see failing in this game as just that. I saw it as failing at the very last thing I had going for me at that point in my life. You see, that irl issue, was something very serious. As it is rather private, I do not feel comfortable sharing it here, but point is, it was hard for me to cope with it. So the game, and succeeding in it, was the only thing I had left, to try make up for that.. Horrible thing that impacted me so. So, to fast forward a bit. Nothing was changing, until a certain game I had. I was playing an ap supp back then, and well, as per usual back then, my team started falling behind, making me yet again tilt and play bad myself as well. You see, even the slightest things, like our top going 0/4 were things that made me already surrender in my mind. So, completely randomly, our jungler wrote to me "hey come take this blue". To which I was completely baffled. Why would he give blue to a supp and not the mid laner? Who was ap as well? To which he explained to me "I saw your recent matches, thought you might need some cheerin up ^^ " My brain stopped. I could not even comprehend, how, after so many toxic teams, who spammed surr votes every 2 mins, so many afks, so many troll picks, agressive people, how was it possible, people like this still existed in this game? I mean that gesture alone, as small as it may seem to all of you, it was.. To me it was.. Just so very grand. And just that small gesture, was enough to kick my tilted brain back into gear and make me ask myself " what the fuck happened to me? " I was so far gone, that as I said before, I did not recognize myself anymore, nor did my friends. And oh, my friends. Those people, did not deserve how I behaved towards them back then. All the frustration I gathered from my games, I threw at them. But, they just took it. And thinking back to it now, I regret it so much. They did not deserve for me to act like an insufferable asshole to them, the kinder they were, the bigger asshat I was. The only thing they told me after i apologized profusely to them was "hey i know you had a very hard time, it's what friends are for" . And that actually did not make me feel better. Bottom line is. I lost my way. I always strived to be one of those rare positive people that make this game a better experience. That gather nice experiences, and share them here on the boards with everyone. That keep making people believe not everything about this game is toxicity and bad teams and losses. And then, I failed. I became the thing I always fought against. So how did I get out of it? I did not "take a break", I did not go "take a shower and cool off", I did not "go eat something". Those types of advice never could work for me. All i did was remember why I started playing this game. I stopped seeing it as that one thing i at least had to succeed at, and started playing it for fun again, and for helping people who had a bad time in it or were flamed. I just retraced my steps basically. Slowly, losses became wins, mistakes remained what they were. Just mistakes. That happen to anyone, and do not mean this game is lost. Just because our yi flashed gromp instead of smiting it, did not mean an instant loss anymore *facepalms* Anyway, truth be told, there is no real advice on how to get out of tilt. It is an individual thing. You just have to find your own way, or something needs to happen, to throw you out of it. But now, everytime I see my lane opponent, write to me in all chat how my champ is op or noob, or how i'm bad but play a strong champ thus i'm winning, how he is being camped etc. I just see myself in him. Or well, myself from back then. Just someone who is frustrated and troubled by who knows what. I mean, when it gets to a point where you have to get your frustration out publicly like that, you know it's bad. Also I would like to mention I never was a fan of doing that, as I think expressing weakness in all chat is smth i would only get abused for, but all the things that person wrote in all chat were usually the things i always silently thought in my head, that is why i saw myself in them. I know it is **not our job** to deal with other peoples issues. Or to baby them, or to coddle them, but we can also not make things worse. So if, at least we don't want to help, we can stay neutral still, no? Just, try keep in mind, people who openly express their frustration like that, or spam surr votes, or want to ff after dying once, those are the most.. They just need a little kindness to get back on their feet. As i am sure, that random jungler from back then will never know how much he helped me with his gesture. You could be that jungler, top laner, adc, w.e . For someone completely random. Be that guy/girl, it will go a long way, for this whole community.
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